Dick Move

We here at the Zomblog will applaud and giggle through just about any form of dismemberment and disembowelment you can name, chowing down on a big plate of marinara in the process. That’s just the kinda guys we are. Sensitivity is not our strong point. But there’s one go-to gore move to which we feel compelled to object: dick biting. We understand it’s a time honored horror tradition as old as The Last House on the Left and as recent as the horrifying *shudder* Teeth. But now we have zombies turning on our sensitive nethers and this must stop, we say. Zombies are supposed to be our friends. Not cool, zombies.
He are four flicks that will have you grabbing your crotch in terror.

Deadgirl
If you’re about to get all mouth-rapey with a naked, chained up zombie sex slave, would it hurt you to make nice just a little? I’m not saying roses and poetry, but maybe a kind word or two. Compliment her red, enraged, zombified eyes. Dead chicks like that. Whatever you do, don’t tell her “C’mon, baby, it’s alright. It’s not gonna bite you.” That’s just an invitation to have your johnson gobbled. And not in a good way.

Zombie Strippers
Zombie Strippers’ central tenet seems to be that no matter how putrid and rotting the chick, there is some dude who is hard up enough to toddle off to the back room with a wad of twenties for a private dance from her. It’s not enough that the undead pole jockeys are munching on the clientele, but they start the feast with a cocktail weiner.

Yoroi: Samurai Zombie
In Yoroi, it’s not actually the zombies that commit the unthinkable. So allow me to offer all the murderous psychopaths of the world a word of advice. If the lovely hostage you just took suddenly stops quivering in terror and suddenly starts loving you up, keep it in your pants before it ends up twitching on the floor. Seriously, your creepy charisma just doesn’t work like that.

Tokyo Gore Police
In a world where genetically engineered criminals are roaming the streets in bloody rampages, maybe it’s not a great idea to hit up the S&M body modding club. But should the curiosity be irresistible, Mr. Yakuza Man, like with the Zombie Strippers, stay out of the back room. Nothing good came come from the back room. Deep down you know that already. Once the creepy lady with the crocodile jaws for legs bites off your wanger, it’s a little late to reconsider your life choices.

The Police Farce

Tokyo Gore Police
Dir. Yoshihiro Nishimura
2008
Why must Japan always make us feel inadequate? Even when it comes to the quality of our zombie ass kickin’ women? All America has farted out in the last decade as been Milla Jovovich’s Alice from the retarded Resident Evil (which we had to steal from Nippon anyway) and its increasingly retarded-er sequels. Japan, on the other hand, come correct with Eiha Shiina (of Audition fame) as Ruka, the katana wielding heroine of the intestine-soaked Tokyo Gore Police. And I bet Shiina didn’t have to fuck the director to get the part either.
The lovely Ruka, as a member of a specialized privatized police force, employs said katana to hunt down “engineers,” bio-engineered serial killers whose bodies sprout all manner of interesting weapon appendages – chainsaw arms, gun eyes, crocodile jaw legs – when injured.
It’s like the two St. Davids, Lynch and Cronenberg, giving guided tours of choice S&M haunts in Tokyo’s seedy Kabukicho district complete with complementary lectures on our post-singularity body-modding future.

Zombology: OK, so I’m cheating a bit again. The engineers don’t necessarily qualify as true zombies, but the gore factor and body count are elevated enough to earn them a hall pass to the zombie compound. You see, the mysterious Key Man has been running around town implanting unsuspecting people with key shaped tumors that turn them into engineers, setting them loose to terrorize the populace. Only Ruka and her coworkers at the Tokyo Police Corporation – which wouldn’t happen to have some mysterious connection to the Key Man, do you think? – to keep the peace with an arsenal of neo-samurai armor and extreme violence.

Taken individually, each kill is either hilariously perverse or grotesquely bloody, including one nifty visual call back to the classic Lady Snowblood flicks. However, as a whole, Tokyo Gore Police’s meandering plot just never coheres. But the film just darts from one fucked up set piece and crackpot character to the next. Against all that absurdity, Shiina’s straight faced performance keeps the whole affair from collapsing into unsalvageable stupidity. Tokyo Gore Police only sucks 19 percent as bad as Hell of the Living Dead.